I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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