He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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