I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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