Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
