Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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