we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
