Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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