Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
