hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Randomize