I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
