Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Randomize
