I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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