i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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