Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
