her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
