my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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