I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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