I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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