Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
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