I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
