I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
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