Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
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