is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
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