Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
