no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Randomize
