He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
