see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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