How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Randomize
