Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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