Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
