Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
