My liver just broke up with me...
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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