dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
accomplished twins. life is a go
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
