Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
