I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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