just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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