I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
