You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
