I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
