I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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