allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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