Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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