it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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