my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
