Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
