pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
