I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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