I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
