Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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