her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
